[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
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torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”