[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
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Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything