*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
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Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
*serious situation*
My brain:
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.