“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
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If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
bury ourselves
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans