i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
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The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?