@Quadricycle

[At restaurant]
I’m so hungry I could eat a horse! But I’m on a diet so…
[To waiter]
Do you have diet horse?

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@koalaslament

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

@awordforaword

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

@SladeWentworth

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

@JT_IV_

What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?

@the_rock_chic

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

@Nyx422

My son begged me not to wear my Poison shirt & spandex to get him on the bus again.

So I wore an adult onesie.

Guess I won this round.

@Bizarro_Mark

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

@LindaInDisguise

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

@MissHavisham

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.