put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I’m so hungry I could eat a horse! But I’m on a diet so…
Do you have diet horse?
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*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
My son begged me not to wear my Poison shirt & spandex to get him on the bus again.
So I wore an adult onesie.
Guess I won this round.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.