[At restaurant]
I’m so hungry I could eat a horse! But I’m on a diet so…
[To waiter]
Do you have diet horse?

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put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.


*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*


Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?


What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?


Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.


My son begged me not to wear my Poison shirt & spandex to get him on the bus again.

So I wore an adult onesie.

Guess I won this round.


I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.


How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.


6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.