My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
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*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.