[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
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The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?