[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
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[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.