[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

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*walks in
*wife is murdered
*looks at mirror
(Written in blood)

“My next what?

*from the closet
“Oh sorry typo I meant you’re.


*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*


*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars’ girlfriend*
*Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it*
*it explodes and both of them die*


If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.


Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are


First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?


I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!


Watching a birth is beautiful.

Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.


My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.