Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
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“You’re just not enlightened enough to understand the beauty of polyamoury!”
And you’re not enlightened enough to understand just how much people in general annoy TF out of me.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I miss the old days.
When a duck face meant that you had a stroke.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
“Science HAS gone too far,” I whisper, gazing out across the sea of boneless chickens slithering through the farmyard.
The Colonel laughs.
-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.