[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
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When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.