@MatCro

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

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@pinupteacher

*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.

*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.

@Jesstrat

Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
5. Rope
6. Gas card

@AnOrangeSNES

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

@tweetsbyrocket

[hospital]

me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again

wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance

me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening

@markedly

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

@wankcity

“more like president PAJAMA” *obama jumps into pj’s, congress full of 12 year olds is pleased*

@Laser_Cat

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”