At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
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It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!