At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

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*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.

*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.


Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
5. Rope
6. Gas card


When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone



me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again

wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance

me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening


Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door


“more like president PAJAMA” *obama jumps into pj’s, congress full of 12 year olds is pleased*


“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”