[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
You Might Also Like
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.