@JosesLovesYou

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

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@Jandalize

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

@robin_991

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

@Willie1derful

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

@Ygrene

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

@pittdave13

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

@portmanteauface

I’m not saying this one girl I dated in college wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but she did say she thought it was the sweetest thing ever when I told her I still made ice cubes using my grandmother’s recipe

@erikbransteen

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

@ScorpionDong

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain streaking”

[pilot darts out of the cockpit completely naked]

@MrsTomServo

Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.

@daemonic3

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent