[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
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First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
What’s so funny?
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.