HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
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Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Christmas cards are how old people say, “Hey, you thought I was dead, but I’m not!”
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Website: Make a password
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*