[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
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New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Shower sex be like:
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”