@ewfeez

*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?

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@tastefactory

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

@10kbabyspiders

I assume whenever I leave a room Oompa Loompas show up and teach everyone a valuable life lesson in song form around the mistakes I’ve made.

@mydmac

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

@Donna_McCoy

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

@

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@ojedge

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

@therichards5

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

@junejuly12

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]