Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?
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I assume whenever I leave a room Oompa Loompas show up and teach everyone a valuable life lesson in song form around the mistakes I’ve made.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”
“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]