@nealbrennan

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

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@erconwell

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

@ArfMeasures

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

@9GAG

“Did you just fall?” “No. I attacked the floor.” “Backwards?” “I’m freaking talented!”

@poutinesmoothie

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

@mikealfredcaine

my cousin jeff died today. sent flowers to the family with a little card saying “jeff is dead” so they know what the flowers are for

@karanbirtinna

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

@isabelzawtun

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

@calamitydaisy

I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.