Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
At some point in time, the brain named itself. You think it would have gone with something a little better, like Bernard.
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CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?”
Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.