@clarkekant

At some point in time, the brain named itself. You think it would have gone with something a little better, like Bernard.

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@PeteSnacks

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

@quendergeer

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

@effinghandbook

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

@bad_as_you_want

My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume

@daemonic3

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

@LurkAtHomeMom

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

@OneSockFox

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

@ramblinma

Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?”

Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”

@yazminda12

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.