[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
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Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
If only
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble