@markleggett

At some point, male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.

You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

@oscarewilde

doctor: do you have any questions?
me: would a lucky talisman made of eggs be called an omulette?
doctor: i meant about your antidepressants

@CatsVsHumanity

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

@TheToddWilliams

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

@chrisdowning

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

@joss

Mean people tell me “you’ve got a face only a mother could love” but the joke’s on them because she didn’t

@lolajxx

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime