Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
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Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
yes… yes…
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash