You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
At some point, male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.
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Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Her: You only think about yourself.
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
doctor: do you have any questions?
me: would a lucky talisman made of eggs be called an omulette?
doctor: i meant about your antidepressants
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
When a pregnant woman swims she is literally a human submarine.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Mean people tell me “you’ve got a face only a mother could love” but the joke’s on them because she didn’t
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime