“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
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As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
This is the one
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;