At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

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I can never remember if it’s “laying” or “lying.”

Anyway, I hit a dude with my car and he’s doing one of them in the middle of the road. 🙁


It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.


Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.


Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.


“Kill Bill” but me seeking revenge on the person who stole my sandwich.


[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol


I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.


I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.