@UnFitz

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

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@Dr_powpow

I’m sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn’t really know what to do with either of them.

@ericsshadow

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

@SentientSadist

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

@junejuly12

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

@AbbyHasIssues

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

@AaronFullerton

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

@mydmac

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

@Fred_Delicious

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler