Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
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Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
My boyfriend: *leaves the room*
The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean.
Me: right? He’s weird today. How’s your husband?
FBI agent: he wants us to open our marriage
Me: that’s rough janet.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Just Checked my voicemail. I forgot to buy milk 3 years ago.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I be having a mini heart attack when I almost send a screenshot to the person I screenshoted