@UnFitz

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

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@Cpin42

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

@70Ceeks

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

@joshwillhall

My boyfriend: *leaves the room*

The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean.

Me: right? He’s weird today. How’s your husband?

FBI agent: he wants us to open our marriage

Me: that’s rough janet.

@mlefaye

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

@PrisonCookies

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

@Rikidus

Just Checked my voicemail. I forgot to buy milk 3 years ago.

@Elizasoul80

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

@ygselena

I be having a mini heart attack when I almost send a screenshot to the person I screenshoted