I’m sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn’t really know what to do with either of them.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
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I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler