At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
You Might Also Like
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.