At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
You Might Also Like
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman: