At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
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Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Just say no
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second