[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

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ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how


Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’


the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u


My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport


“Well, very clearly cats were sacred to them.” – Archeologist who discovers the Internet


astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely


Couch: $300 TV: $1000 Chips: $3. The look on your face when you don’t have electricity: Priceless


Coworker just asked me if I’m “working hard or hardly working” & now I’m standing over him asking if he’s “bleeding bad or badly bleeding?”


I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.


My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”