@TheAlexP

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

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@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

@breatheandlove

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

@ClichedOut

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

@LaLa_Lyds

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

@Interdome

“Well, very clearly cats were sacred to them.” – Archeologist who discovers the Internet

@thelateinnings

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

@Juven_Naidoo

Couch: $300 TV: $1000 Chips: $3. The look on your face when you don’t have electricity: Priceless

@AristotlesNZ

Coworker just asked me if I’m “working hard or hardly working” & now I’m standing over him asking if he’s “bleeding bad or badly bleeding?”

@Kimpulses

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

@BunAndLeggings

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”