[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
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Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath