[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
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If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.