I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
7yo: can I order for you?
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
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FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don’t have to go to family functions any more.
I speak both universal languages:
2. Louder & slower English
If a guy tells you he makes 6 figures a year it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s rich. He could be a really lazy guy working at a toy factory.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Am sorry I asked you ‘Who is the father’ when you told me your wife is pregnant.