@ThisOneSayz

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

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@Marlebean

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

@ThugRaccoons

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

@MasterSociopath

I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don’t have to go to family functions any more.

@AristotlesNZ

I speak both universal languages:

1. English
2. Louder & slower English

@SaraMansford

If a guy tells you he makes 6 figures a year it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s rich. He could be a really lazy guy working at a toy factory.

@cravin4

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

@ValeeGrrl

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

@ronleibach

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

@xysist

Am sorry I asked you ‘Who is the father’ when you told me your wife is pregnant.