[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
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THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way