*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
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Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
crochet youtube is brutal
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.