[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
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I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine