Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
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(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
NSA: dude, let it go