@1_swarthy_dude
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
@tastefactory
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
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@1_swarthy_dude
@karanbirtinna
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
@sumpeoplelikeit
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
@AndrewChamings
[shark tank]
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening
@BumbleDC
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
@Havish_AF
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
@KH0wes
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
@Bob_Janke
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
@DistilledElle
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
@JeffSarcastic
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go