excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
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Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.