Optional boss fight.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
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gf: house hunting is so boring
me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there’s not much of a challenge to it
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
*sees commercial* “Talk to your kids about drugs before its too late”
“Kiddo. Kitchen. Now”
“This is oregano. Don’t get ripped off”
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
9 months from now the next generation will arrive.They’ll be known as “the Coronials”
If you send me to get burgers and fries, I’m eating some of your fries on the way home.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.