@squirrel74wkgn

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

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@PoshTick

gf: house hunting is so boring

me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there’s not much of a challenge to it

@FrazzleMyGimp

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

@Sickayduh

*sees commercial* “Talk to your kids about drugs before its too late”

“Kiddo. Kitchen. Now”
– Yeah?
“This is oregano. Don’t get ripped off”

@primawesome

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

@supermarkusa

9 months from now the next generation will arrive.They’ll be known as “the Coronials”

@bgdadyspnkbtm

If you send me to get burgers and fries, I’m eating some of your fries on the way home.

@TheBoydP

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

@AbbyHasIssues

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.