*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
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[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses