[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
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Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
#ProTip
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
That’s not how days work.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.