@Ristolable

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

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@mikealfredcaine

my grandad came to this country with four pounds in his pocket, my nan was holding a suitcase full of cash & heroin

@ComedicBust

My girlfriend’s furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she’d get over it since she’s not real.

@OBiiieeee

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

@MeetingBoy

I’ve wasted the best years of my life waiting for people to join conference calls.

@LynneMcCarthy

Please do not wear flip flops if your feet look like you could sweep down & snatch your dinner while it’s still running through the forrest

@rdthought

Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day.
Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy.

@UnFitz

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

@ericsshadow

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

@GrumpyBahr

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.