[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

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my grandad came to this country with four pounds in his pocket, my nan was holding a suitcase full of cash & heroin


My girlfriend’s furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she’d get over it since she’s not real.


my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas


I’ve wasted the best years of my life waiting for people to join conference calls.


Please do not wear flip flops if your feet look like you could sweep down & snatch your dinner while it’s still running through the forrest


Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day.
Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy.


Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.


DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*


Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?


Me: Your move.