*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

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If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.


When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.


Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.


I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.


My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.


Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies


“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment