@MaybePileJokes

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

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@KeatonPatti

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

@HomeProbably

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

@LlamaInaTux

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

@Bob_Janke

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

@Miss_Firefly_

My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.

@Quartzjixler

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

@adamgreattweet

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment