@JohnLyonTweets

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

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@WheelTod

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

@MattTheBrand

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

@Carbosly

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

@UncleDuke1969

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

@thepoetknight

*pays $20 for deluxe car wash*

*hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*

@huntigula

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

@Schmoodles

Whenever I meet a guy named Paul, I ask if it’s short for Paula, then I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & making friends is hard. 🙁

@MelvinofYork

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

@bornmiserable

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality