men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
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“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.