[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
You Might Also Like
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers