@daemonic3

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

You Might Also Like

@cjcapbt

I’m just like Bob Marley but not black or Jamaican or talented or dead but my hair gets tangly .

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

@jordan_stratton

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

@SincerelyTumblr

Me: can remember the lyrics to 898989 different songs.

Me: forgets what i had for dinner yesterday

@jordan_stratton

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

@Kendragarden

I said “Margarita” 3 times in the mirror instead of “Bloody Mary” and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.

@david8hughes

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases