I’m just like Bob Marley but not black or Jamaican or talented or dead but my hair gets tangly .
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
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Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Me: can remember the lyrics to 898989 different songs.
Me: forgets what i had for dinner yesterday
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I said “Margarita” 3 times in the mirror instead of “Bloody Mary” and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases