[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
You Might Also Like
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.