friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.
Me: Just kidding you all are.
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Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…