*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
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It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
my one true gender
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭