@1Bad_Scientist

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

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@audipenny

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

@ilovepie84

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

@scottgal

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

@mayamanion

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

@Marcmywords2

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

@Ygrene

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

@ehdannyboy

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

@ArfMeasures

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

@delusions_of

Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism.