@1Bad_Scientist

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

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@Gupton68

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

@Dustinkcouch

doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.

@causticbob

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

@SirJeremyLondon

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

@AaronFullerton

“Oh, don’t use that picture of me, honey. Please, I look so old in that one. You must have a better picture.” -Whistler’s Mother

@blade_funner

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

@littlemzbadass

The four stages of a day off:

1. I will do so much stuff
2. Later I’ll do lots of stuff
3. Eventually, I’ll do some stuff
4. Oh no.

@ashley_barnhill

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

@wakeelee

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

@iamspacegirl

In the middle of a GOP debate, Scooby and the gang suddenly rush the stage. They wrestle Trump to the ground, struggling to remove his face.