[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
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Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.