boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
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*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
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“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child