@TuSoonShakur

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

You Might Also Like

@Troman88

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

@TheAlexNevil

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

@BikiniBabeLover

“PIZZA” IS ACTUALLY AN ANAGRAM…

P – PLEASUREFUL
I – INTERESTING
Z – CANT THINK OF ONE
Z – CANT THINK OF ONE
A – “AGG”-CELLENT

@CommonSavant

Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Amazon: heh
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!

Thanksgiving at the Primes

@BGH70

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

@Reverend_Scott

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

@JumbledButts

STEVE: “Wanna go star gazing tonight?”

ME: “What is that? Like a sci fi movie?”

S: “No we watch stars.”

M: “Wars or Trek?”

@envydatropic

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

@_davidlucas_

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

@thelmaopong

Remember you are someone’s reason to smile.

Because you are a joke.