One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
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I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Ok but actually
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.