[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
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*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
getting corrected
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first