[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
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To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?