[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
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Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist