[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
You Might Also Like
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”