@jdforshort: I'm just a girl trying to keep up with a guy on my Fitbit challenge who may be walking out more sexual frustration than me

@ThingsJackDigs: How to get laid: Step 1: Be an egg Step 2: That's literally it

@thenatewolf: Me: I have a secret *I take off my wig* Her: I don’t care still I love you *I smile, take off my bald cap* Me: you passed the final test

@jbryantiii: As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

@AntozWolf: Give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day...... Give a fish a man and you're probably in the Mafia