@chuuew

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

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@better_off_dad

Sorry about your forehead…

…I thought that was clearly a high five moment.

@joss

Mean people tell me “you’ve got a face only a mother could love” but the joke’s on them because she didn’t

@dril

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

@lmegordon

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

@thatUPSdude

Can’t figure out if my dad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It’s tense!

“The green one dad, not the Red one!”

@curlycomedy

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

@ReelQuinn

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

@wolfpupy

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

@MarfSalvador

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

@iinkedZombie

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.