[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

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Sorry about your forehead…

…I thought that was clearly a high five moment.


Mean people tell me “you’ve got a face only a mother could love” but the joke’s on them because she didn’t


i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime


The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?


Can’t figure out if my dad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It’s tense!

“The green one dad, not the Red one!”


Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!


A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.


heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists



me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?


5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.




5: whoever talks first is the loser.