One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
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Hormel Foods made their first batch of spam in 1937
With all the food hoarding going on they are about to make their 2nd batch
what if u had to have sex every day during pregnancy to keep building the baby
CASHIER: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”
ME: “Oh, yes…” [places “How To Murder A Cashier” book on counter]
BOSS: Any special skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
ME: That means words
Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I’m making a pros and cons list.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*
*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*