@chuuew

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

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@weinerdog4life

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

@USMCSDI

Hormel Foods made their first batch of spam in 1937

With all the food hoarding going on they are about to make their 2nd batch

@jazz_inmypants

what if u had to have sex every day during pregnancy to keep building the baby

@rolldiggity

CASHIER: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”
ME: “Oh, yes…” [places “How To Murder A Cashier” book on counter]

@TheToddWilliams

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

@YUCKYBOT

Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I’m making a pros and cons list.

@snmrrw

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

@seamussaid

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

@mela_shea

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*