[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
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No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
that colleague who touches your screen
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.