If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
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It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I know a horrible idea when I see it.